Double D

Diabetes + Depression. It’s a constant, double struggle. You need motivation to get your life and health in order, and there’s this extra weight on your shoulders pulling you down. Been there, done that… still deal with it every single day because my depression seems to be as chronic as my diabetes. It makes things harder in every sense with the lack of energy, the low self-esteem that comes with it and the feeling that it doesn’t matter what I do things will never get better. So why bother?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just lazy with my diabetes, but then I figure I’m not the only one who wakes up some days wishing it’s all gone so I don’t have to work on it because it’s darn annoying. I look at myself in the mirror and I see (I know!) I have to do so much better than this and stop using excuses. But for me, it’s not only about food choices, exercise and taking my medication… I struggle very hard to keep my sanity as well. I know that if I forget to take my happy pills everything else will fall apart. Then it becomes a vicious cycle: my diabetes and my weight issues make me depressed, and my depression takes away my motivation. It’s so much fun… NOT!

During the Roche Social Media Summit I had the chance to listen to Dr. William Polonsky from the Diabetes Behavioral Institute. He basically said we need to take a vacation from diabetes from time to time and do it smartly. I wrote some about it in my previous post. At the end of the session people started sharing personal stories and I was afraid to talk. First because I’m stupidly conscious about my accent, and second because I avoid public speaking like the plague, especially when it’s about feelings and personal trials and tribulations. But then I gathered some courage and I told everyone in that room how I feel: Sometimes I think I’m not worth it. Sometimes I think it wouldn’t  be a big loss if I wasn’t around. I heard all kinds of “What are you talking about? I’d miss you! You’re wonderful!” — I technically know all that, but my depression speaks too loud sometimes.

After I was approached by several people to thank me for saying what they feel but are never able to express, I felt like some of that weight was lifted off my shoulders. I’ve always know I’m not the only one dealing with depression and diabetes. But knowing that I can openly talk about it and ask for help and support certainly makes things easier. Especially when I can related to those who have to fight the diabetes dude every day.

I know that my health will greatly improve when I start making the right choices, not just for a day but for a life. But in order to achieve that I need my mental checkout from time to time. And happy pills it is.